It’s time to talk about an ugly word: jealousy. When I tell people I’m in a poly relationship, that’s the one thing people always mention. They’ll say things like “I could never do that, I’m too jealous.” or things like “I don’t share my partner with anyone.”

First off, if you look at it realistically, you always share your partners and lovers. You share them with their job, kids, friends and family. And we never consider that weird or abnormal. A man can work 80 hours a week, we commend him. We don’t consider the harm he’s doing to his other relationships bad, he’s just dedicated. But it will cost him other relationships. If you don’t tend to the vines and lines, they wither and die.

But polyamory comes up, and most people, its all about the sex. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it comes up sometimes. But it’s probably the least thing I’m jealous about in my relationship with my partner. Why? Because we communicate about it, and express our fears and doubts. Most of which are mine. I won’t go into specifics of things, either. I don’t know most of you well enough, or you don’t want to know, and my kids read this.

No, most of my jealousy comes from emotional issues, and not being realistic. But holy hell, my brain weasels are creative. I wish I could weave stories the way they come up with shit. But my partner and her long distance partner have known each other for forty years. They’ve only been dating for a year or so. I’m the newcomer, who gets to see her much more. By rights, he should be jealous of me, and I’m sure we’ll have that conversation someday. But he’s a good guy, and she loves him. So how could I deny her love? Love shared is multiplied. Why people can’t see that, I don’t know.

Knowing my past, people question me getting into a situation that involves a level of honesty, that to be blunt, I haven’t had before, It’s a fair question, but all i can tell you , is this feels different, and I feel different. But it doesn’t stop the brain weasels from vomiting up the hits.

My brain weasels get jealous of time, mostly. All the time he’s had to know her. All the shared history they already have? How do I compete with that history? With all that love?

Here’s the smart answer: I don’t, not when I’m not dealing with my trauma based issues like insecurity and anxiety. Competing with others , especially in love, is stupid. It leads to a win/lose mentality, when it should be win/win. Love is not pie.

So I’ve learned to feel the feelings, and let them be felt. Which can suck, btu holding onto those feelings is way worse. I used ot do that, and it cost me dearly in my relationships. Now I try ot let them go, or talk to my partner, or a friend. Last resort, I count 90 seconds. Thats how long, according to science, that emotions last in the brain if you just feel them, and dont reinforce them. Then the chemicals dissipate, and you can think again. Usually.

I’m not going to say it’s perfect, but it’s way better than holding it in, not talking about it, and it festering. That wya leads to resentment, hurt and damage. I think communicating feelings, reinforcing the good things like love and respect, help deal with jealousy much better. Jealousy is natural, and like all other feelings, is valid. It’s what you do with it that makes you who you are. Good night.