I never belong. I envy people who feel like they belong someplace. The times and places I have felt that way are few and far between. Everyone says to don’t worry. you’ll find your tribe. But what if you think you can’t? What if you feel like an outcast among the outcasts?

What if you thought you had found that tribe, and it turned out they didn’t really like or love you at all? That all their supposed love and affection was conditional? What then?

Modern society has the answer. Buy stuff. Or go join in the latest mass entertainment. Numb your brain so you’ll be a good worker bee and keep capitalism running. That will make you happy, yes sir,

Except it doesn’t. It doesn’t answer what to do in those long nights when you can’t sleep, and there’s no one there to talk to. The Swedes called them the wolf hours, when the thoughts are the darkest, and the wolves are at your door.

People offer lots of solutions. Write it down. Breathe. Don’t give into the anxiety. And some days that works, And you do the things, and the brain weasels subside. Or they don’t and you have to do things like write a blog post about it.

I talked before about jealousy. I’m jealous of those people who have had long lasting, ride or die relationships. Those are few and far between, in my experience. Especially once you get past fifty.

Everyone talks about me needing to be alone during my separation and divorce. I’d like to point out that the people saying that have either A) not ben through one or B) in denial. Every person I’ve talked to who’s been through one has talked about the people who got them through.

And here’s what those people don’t understand: I feel alone. All. The Time. I feel lonely at cons, concerts, work and play. And since i have the one two punch of RSD and anxiety, I tend to do things to endear myself to people, because I think I need to prove my worth to other people for them to love me. And it’s awful. It’s wrecked so much in my life.

After things blew up earlier this year, and all I’d done, I had few friends left. The ones I did have, I feel blessed to have. And thankfully, I’ve made a few new ones. And their friendship isn’t transactional. And they make the lonely less. But I still struggle on some days and some nights. Writing this and knowing some of you will see it and understand helps. It makes it less lonely, Good night.