My name is Trevor. I have a Bachelor’s in Journalism. But that’s not what my real degree should be in. My Bachelors should be in Executive Dysfunction. My Master’s however, should be in self sabotage. Together, they pack quite the punch to my life.

I’m great at starting things. What I am terrible at is finishing things. I either lose interest, or I just… stop. That’s the executive dysfunction. I’m doing the work to try and fix that part. I’m making progress, I think.

What amazes me, looking back now, how self-destructive some of my behavior was, and remains to this day. I don’t eat well. I don’t exercise enough, and me keeping a job for three years seems like a lifetime. I have atrocious money habits. I could list more, but I’m veering close to beating myself up.

And that’s the most self destructive of all behavior. I know they say to not love others until you love yourself, but moments of me loving myself have been few and far between. When you spend most of your life pleasing, or attempting to please narcissists, they make sure your self worth is not internal, it’s external.

I’m making conscious efforts to break that cycle. This blog is part of that. I’m making better choices, conscious choices. Because I’m being horrified by the unconscious ones. Zen tells you to act without thinking, to just be in the moment. But what do you do when you’re in the moment, and stop and realize that being zen right then is hurting you?

I am a diabetic. It’s been fairly well regulated for years, but recently, it’s taken a turn for the worse. So in an effort to live consciously, I ‘ve been regulating my diet again, and getting more exercise. Not all I need to , but gradual steps are working better than my usual cut everything and burn it all down mentality.

I had a bad mental health moment this afternoon. I can’t discuss why, but I did. And I found myself eating a handful of skittles about ten minutes after. And I stopped myself, shocked and honestly amazed at my behavior. Why, in my hour of need, did I go for what I knew was bad for me? Sure it tasted sweet, but it wasn’t amazing or anything,

Normally, this is where the self hatred would kick in and I’d start down the spiral of beating myself up. I could even hear the brain weasels preparing the hate in the back of my head. But then, I just stopped. I acknowledged the foolish thing I’d done. I recognized my behavior for what it was, which was bad for me, both mentally and physically. So I told myself I’d do better, be more conscious next time.

Because while Zen thought can teach you to be in the moment, it also tells you to be conscious in that moment. To be aware of what you’re doing as you do it, but not to be separate from it. In that moment, I was separate from my mind and body, and it was bad. I need to embrace fully feeling and thinking about those feelings, but not acting on them in negative fashion. That path leads me out of the darkness, and toward a more feeling, more conscious path. Good night.

PS. Thank you to all who have helped steer me towards aiming higher. Much love to Leesa, Ryan, DDP, Steven Barnes, and as always, Jasmine.