I’m fat. I’m lazy. I have issues handling my money. I avoid shit like it’s going out of style. I can’t keep a routine to save my life. I go way too far sometimes. I have a temper and a foul mouth.

If that sounds like I’m down on myself, congratulations, you’re correct. I don’t like myself sometimes. In fact, most of my adult life, I haven’t liked myself at all. And the bad thing about low self esteem is that it becomes a self-fufilling prophecy. I’ve lost jobs, friends, my marriage(partially)and more opportunities than I can shake a stick at, Why? Because i didn’t believe in myself. And when you don’t believe in yourself, it’s had for others to believe in you. So the spiral goes down until you want to end your existence.

I’ve tried to kill myself twice in this lifetime. Once when I was in my teens, and once was earlier this year. I had a plan, the whole nine yards. Bought the necessary items. Thankfully, some people talked me out of it. I wont say, they know who they are and why I was going to do what I was going to do.

People who say “How could you do that? You have a kid?” They’ve never been there. Never been there where you think the world is better without you. And I’d like to say those thoughts don’t come to me now, mostly. Ask me again in a few months.

People are also going to accuse me of saying “look at me, pity me, because I was sad”. I don’t want your pity. If I wanted your attention, Id put naked girl pics up and rant about current events. Why I’m writing this is to erase the stigma, even a little., To tell someone reading this: you are not alone. Don’t give up. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. It does get better. I won’t promise you happy, but I will tell you there are ways to fight low self esteem.

I had body image issues. A therapist said to look at yourself naked in the mirror for five minutes every day. Don’t laugh, it worked for me. Now I get home, and can’t wait to remove most , if not all of my clothes. Yes, other folks did help me there, but I had to start the drive myself. And if the image of me naked bothers you, well, don’t look, I can actually look at myself now in the mirror, and often say: hey, I like me.

Low self esteem comes from never having support or cheerleaders asa child. It can cripple a child’s social and mental development. Why try if nobody cares if yuo win. It takes a village, folks, Cheer people on. Know what else is great about that? You feel better as well. A rising tide lifts all the boats, not just the prettiest ones. Be nice to others, and it might rub off on you.

In the end, people are either going to like this or not. I can’t control that, so why worry about it? Kind of pointless to worry, but we all do it. But know this: if you’re reading this, I’m proud of you. I’m glad you’re alive, And I’m excited to hear whatever you have to tell me about, that brings you joy. Good night.