I had dinner tonight with my daughter Aubry. I try to do this every other week. She works and is in college. She has a boyfriend and plays D and D. She’s a busy twenty year old woman. I love her more than I can possibly say.

So we have dinner, and we talk, and catch up. Invariably, I go home. And I’m usually crying by the time I get home. I miss her a lot, and not the big things.

When you see characters in TV shows talk about missing their kids, I can tell it’s written by people who don’t have kids, or have never been really close to their kids. Because it’s never the birthdays and graduations that you really miss. At least if you’re paying attention.

When I was with my ex-wide, the soundest sleep she had was when all four of her daughters were all in the same place as her. She was already a sound sleeper, but you could fire a gun next to her head when her daughters were home, and she wouldn’t hear it.

And the same is true for me and Aubry. When she had to stay here for a couple weeks after the basement flooded, I slept better than I had in a long time. And I realize it’s the little things that matter. It’s the singing I could hear through the vents. It’s the footsteps on the stairs. It’s all the noises that go into when you spend time with someone you love.

I have anxious attachment issues. Look it up. I have anxiety about being left by the people I love. I have a hard time trusting that people who say they love me mean it. Decades of narcissists and other malignant personality types . So how do I combat those issues now?\

Little things. I recall their smile. I remember the way they felt the last time they hugged me. I remember the way they breathe when they sleep. And when I remember them, I can break free of the brain weasels, the shoulds, and the insecurity that plagues my brain in my darkest hours.

I grieve a lot of things from my marriage, but the interaction with my children and grandchildren is what I miss most. I hold hope to have that back someday, but all I can do until then is know better, and act better. And hope someday to see them all again. Good night