I said in my last post that one of the hazards of writing a blog is repeating yourself over and over again. There’s another hazard I don’t talk about, because I tend to think talking about something and naming it gives it power, but tonight, I’m doing it anyway.I’m talking about reactions from other people.

Today, someone took a passive agressive dig at the way I’m presenting myself on this blog. By the way, congratulations to the state of Wisconsin, you’re finally beating Minnesota at something not sport related. The award is in the mail, just like the last birthday card you sent me. If you don’t get that sentence, hang around the Midwest, you’ll learn.

Here’s the thing: I’ve dealt with passive aggressive people my entire life. And some of them have gotten past me. Sometimes, I’m not the brightest bulb in the sign. But once I do see you for who you are, forget it.

But the bad thing is, some of them, the shit they do does matter. Because I still love them, and want the best for them. They’ll say, if you love me, then you must XYZ. Their love is conditional. They never bother to ask why, or if you can, or what doing what they want will cost you. Because it doesn’t matter. Because what they want isn’t love or friendship. it’s obedience.

So when they say I’m not doing things right, it does bother me. Because I know no matter what I do, it’ll never be good enough. Because they don’t actually want me to do it. They love my failure. I don’t suffer enough for them. Here’s what I have to say to them: you know nothing.

They don’t know how I cry every fucking day. They don’t know how badly I miss so much of what I lost. They don’t know how much it hurts every day. And they don’t know how much I wish I could make them happy. And how much it kills me because I don’t see how I could.

But then I realize, nothing is going to make them happy, least not that I can provide. Because providing what they want would drive me back to the person I was before, and that’s not happening. I’m trying to be better, and part of that is not giving into the darkness that has been poured into me for most of my life.

So yes, I’m going to keep trying to be positive. And yes, I won’t make peace with them, because their peace means surrender, not submission or detente. Because every step towards peace has been cast aside. When I make my boundaries, they don’t respect them. All those things, and they want peace? No, they don’t. They want to win a fight I’m refusing to fight anymore.

So they can say what they want. Get a blog, write a book. I don’t have to see it, and I refuse to look anymore. I hope it helps. I hope it makes them happy. But their happiness doesn’t get to happen at the cost of my peace anymore.

I feel for the shit talkers. Nobody out there is doing ok, except the assholes. And If I want to be positive on here, I’m going to be positive on here. Don’t like it? Maybe they should ask themselves my my being positive angers them so, if they cast me out. I wish theyd try living better than me, that’s the best revenge, no? Good night.