I am an only child. It’s not that rare anymore, but growing up, it was considered weird. And I remember my mother getting questioned at length by strangers about it. And it colors your worldview, and how you see things. It really reinforced a belief in me, that I don’t belong anywhere.

I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere, I was kept away from people by my parents. Dad, because frankly, he didn’t like people and I was an embarrassment and he was ashamed of me. He told me this on several occasions, starting at ten years old.

So as I grew and walked through this world, I sought to join things, to find where i belonged. It certainly wasn’t normal society. I was bullied until I had a growth spurt at 15. It wasn’t the church, I was excommunicated for asking too many questions.

Then one day, my friend Billy gave me a tape. One side was Master of Puppets by Metallica. The other was Dealing with It by Dirty ROtten Imbeciles. This was my first exposure to metal and punk. And so I went to go experience this in person.

My first show was Ozzy/Metallica at Poplar Creek in 1986. That blew my mind, but it was one the next year that changed me forever. Anthrax, Exodus and Celtic Frost. I like to say, Fishbone was my Sex Pistols, but to be honest it was Anthrax. They came out to the Blues Brothers theme song. They wore Jamz onstage, and they rapped. They were so not the normal, but holy cats were they fun, angyr and wrote about comic books and Stephen King.

That began a long, long road of live music. More shows than I can think of , more bands than I can list. But the one that is important to todays writing happened in 1993. Dead Can Dance at the Vic in Chicago, exact date is unimportant.

What was important about that show is that I had a spiritual awakening during it. I had participated in a couple of circles. That show, that night , something else, something I can’t explain, spoke to me. I had what my friend Miles calls a UPG. It stands for Unverifiable Personal Gnosis. I encountered something divine in nature, and I know it, and I will never be able to prove it to you.

That too, started a road of spiritual seeking and searching. Books, meetings, circles, and fellowship. I miss FWOMP, the monthly meeting we had in the suburbs of Charlotte.

Along the way, I lost track of those two forces. I enjoyed shows, but didn’t experience them with the same oomph. And I hadn’t found any fellowship spiritually around here since moving back.

Then the last two days happened. First was Riot Fest. From running into people I knew online in person, to breaking down crying in the crowd for Dance Hall Crashers and Bad Religion, it was a level of catharsis I hadn’t had during a show in a few years. And it was a release, and needed, and I will be forever grateful for the people who made it possible.

Tonight, I did a ritual with other people for the first time in years. It was certainly the first time since moving back here, I felt the energy, I was welcomed. I was shown friendship and shared stories and conversation. It was the best time I’ve had spiritually in years.

As I sat here, trying to process the last couple days, it hit me: I belong here. I have friends, family of choice, and I matter to these people, and they openly care about me. It’s not transactional, I’m not wondering what it’s going to cost me. This is a new feeling, and it took me a minute to figure it out. In a pretty dark time in my life, these people have shown me a way towards the light, and are willing to hang with me while I get there. And they aren’t asking anything in return. I can’t thank them enough. Good night.