Every now and then, I have an okay day. Not going to tell you what or who made it okay. But sometimes, during those days something will come along and rock my world. And it was such a tiny thing that did that today.

It was a reel on FB,sent to me by my amazing partner, Jasmine. I won’t quote it exactly, but it was about healing. And it said, basically, that you’ve started healing when you actually don’t repat the patterns that were informed by your past traumas and history.

That floored me. Because what it made me realize was how much further I need to heal. Because I took a good hard look, and I am still stuck in some of those patterns. I still have avoidant behaviors. I still don’t do well with sticking with things. It made me think: I haven’t learned anything, I’m still so far behind on where I want to be, life wise and mental health wise.

It threw me into a depressive episode. I started catastrophizing, listing everything I haven’t done that I wanted to be doing by this time, after the separation. Brain weasels were in my head, like the orcs at Helm’s Deep. So I was stewing.

Then, like Gandalf, I started hearing Jasmine’s voice in my head. Reminding me that healing is a journey. And I started thinking of the patterns I’m stopping. Cutting down on sugar. Managing my money. Trying to actually keep in contact with people. Trying new things and going after what I want. Asking for what I want and need. Communicating openly about those things. And what’s happening?

I’m less angry. I’m less anxious. Is it perfect? Fuck no. I haven’t made it through a day yet without crying since March. I don’t expect I will any time soon.Not asking for sympathy or anything, just telling my truth.

And I have people around me who get it. Who are on their own healing journey. Or at least trying to be. And what do they tell me, besides to be patient?

To look at your actions. See if you’re doing the same shit. And ask people around you. Your real friends will tell you. Jon Berenthal said something to the effect of that your duty as a friend isn’t to abandon them when they fuck up, but to help them make sure they don’t do that shit again. I think in all of this, I’m finding out who those people are. And I love them. Good night.